Life As I Know It

Posted on April 2, 2020 by arden1719

I can’t believe that it has been two years since I last wrote in my blog.  A lot has happened in that time.  The best thing that happened was that Jon and I finally made it official.  We tied the knot at home, surrounded by family and friends, on July 13, 2019.  It was amazing.

The worst thing that happened is that my dad died in March.  This is what I am stuggling with the most.  My dad was the strongest man I have ever known.  He worked hard to support his family.  In fact, we sometimes felt that he put his job before his family.  Something that I definitely learned from him.  Something that I know that Jon and Dillon struggle with to this day.  But I digress 🙂  Losing my dad has been one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through in my life.  I haven’t felt this deep sadness in my soul since Curt died.  On the outside I pretend to be fine.  I get up and go to work (in my home office) every day.  I talk to my friends and family.  I go through the basic motions of my life.  But on the inside I am really struggling.   I am just…so…sad.  I want to cry and scream and throw things.  But I don’t.  I feel like I have to be strong.  I feel like I have to pretend that everything is okay.  But I’m not strong.  Everything isn’t okay.  And I don’t know how to deal with that.  I don’t know how to give into the grief.  I don’t know how to ask for help.

While I was sitting in the hospital with my dad, and then right after he died, the world around me was falling apart.  People were being forced to isolate.  Social distancing became the new normal.  I went from my dad’s memorial service right into isolation with my husband.  How am I supposed to handle that?  How do I ask for help when so many others have it so much worse?  I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.  That isn’t why I am writing this.  I’m writing this because writing is the only way that I know to get my feelings out and passively ask for what I so desparately need.

To my friends and family that reached out while my dad was in the hospital, and the weeks following, thank you.  I know who you are.  I appreciate you.  I’m sorry if I didn’t respond back.  It wasn’t personal.  To my friends that didn’t reach out, I forgive you.  You must have had something more important or were just scared.  I get that.  I’ve been there too.

So now what?  What is the first step?  I honestly don’t know.  Maybe the first step is to let myself just cry.  Maybe then I will take the second step and do more than just exist.  Maybe that will motivate me to get back into a routine of working out, eating healthy, showering, getting dressed in “real” clothes.  Maybe then I will stop pretending that I am fine and really will be okay.  Because that is what my dad would want.

I love you daddy and I miss you every single day.

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Goodbye 2017…Hello 2018

Posted on December 31, 2017 by arden1719

Today is the day when many reflect on the past year and make resolutions for the new.  I am no exception as I sit here reflecting on all of the ways that 2017 was good to me.

  1. Jon and I are living happily in our little home in the country.  We love the peace that it brings to us individually and to our relationship.  I think that we are going into 2018 stronger and happier than ever before.
  2. Dillon and Kiah got engaged!  I am so happy for them and look forward to seeing how this next chapter of their lives unfolds.  The wedding will be in the fall of 2019.  A date has been set, but that’s not my story to tell.  🙂
  3. I have a wonderful family.  I am so lucky to have both of my parents, my grandma, my brother and all of the rest of my family.  Each and every one of you is important to me in your own way.
  4. My health remained stable.  Each year without a cancer diagnosis is one step closer to achieving a clean bill of health.
  5. I have an amazing group of friends.  Friends that I know that I can count on to have my back no matter what.  These ladies don’t care if my house is clean, what I wear or even how I look.  They care about what it on the inside.  They have seen me at my worst, and still love me.  For that, I am forever grateful.

As I look towards 2018, I am not going to set resolutions that I won’t keep.  I am going to focus on the things that are important to me.  In doing so, I pledge to do the following:

  1. I pledge to be strong and healthy in mind, body and spirit.  If my mind is in the right place, everything else will come together.  This has to be my main focus.  I am depending on my body to remain healthy so that I can live an amazing life.  But first I have to put my mind in order and give my body the tools that it needs to be healthy.  That, is all on me.
  2. I pledge to love and accept myself.  I am harder on myself than anyone else.  I look in the mirror and focus on all of my flaws instead of seeing the good.  The only person that this hurts is myself.  If I don’t love myself for who I am, how can I expect anyone else to do the same.  Therefor, I pledge to wake up each morning loving and accepting me just the way that I am that day.
  3. I pledge to have an amazing life.  I have a wonderful family and friends.  I am going to spend time with them.  I want them to know how important they are to me.  I am going to spend more time saying yes to the people that are truly important to me and the things that I really want to do.
  4. I CHOOSE to be happy.  I am the only person responsible for my happiness.  I cannot stress that enough.  Yes, people can hurt our feelings.  But they cannot control our true happiness.  That comes from within.

I hope that as each of you look back on 2017, that you focus on the good things that happened and take that positive energy with you into the new year.  Each day of our lives is a gift.

Happy New Year!!!

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Happy Birthday Curt!

Posted on February 23, 2016 by arden1719

Dear Curt,

Today is your birthday.  I am sitting here really struggling with how very much my heart hurts because you aren’t here.  I miss you so much.

I remember the day that mom and dad brought you home from the hospital.  From day one you were my baby and I wanted nothing more than to love and protect you.  Who would have known that years later I wouldn’t be able to protect you from yourself?

I remember your first serious injury.  Bill and I were jumping on the bed and you were riding on the old bouncy horse.  You loved to rock and bounce that horse clear across the floor.  That night you fell off and hit your head just right on the old iron bed.  Blood was gushing from your ear as you left in the ambulance with mom.  I was so upset that I wasn’t able to protect you.  I was so scared that you weren’t coming home.  And you almost didn’t.  I was so relieved and thankful when you came home.  I vowed to always take care of you.

I remember that you were so afraid of storms.  As soon as you could walk, you would come and crawl in bed with me.  I would rub your back and sooth you until you fell asleep.  As you got older, you would still come in when it stormed, but you would say that it was because I was afraid :).  I was just happy that you would still let me protect you.

I remember when we moved to Dunn Center.  Bill and I were busy making friends at school but you were busy making friends with the entire town.  Mom would laugh when one of the retired couples would call and say that you wouldn’t be home for supper because you were at their house playing cards.  Everyone loved you!  And you loved everyone!  I am so thankful that Dillon has that part of you.  Your nephew is like you in so many ways.

When I went away to college, it was hard.  I missed you so much.  But it wasn’t cool to tell you that.  I was so happy when you wanted to come to UNI for the weekend.  It was great to spend that time with you and have you experience a small part of my new life. But it was hard being that far away.

I was happy when I transferred to Iowa.  I was closer to home and able to watch you grow.  I loved watching the little boy grow into a wonderful young man.  I also loved our competitions.  I swear that you ran track because you wanted to be better than me.  And you were.  I’m just sorry that I never told you that.  So I’m telling you now.  You were better than me!!

As we got older, our relationship changed.  I became less of the protector and more of the instigator.  It became my duty, as your big sister, to get you into trouble.  I remember sneaking you into the Red Stallion on Bill’s wedding night.  You were 16 and loved every minute of it.  I remember letting you have a party at the apartment when I lived with Lori.  You were drinking, smoking and playing cards.  One of my favorite pictures of us is from that night.  I was sitting on the chair and you and Bird were sitting on my lap.  That picture always makes me smile.

I remember your high school graduation.  I was so proud of you.  You were taking the next step into becoming a man and it was amazing.

I love the fact that you sang at my wedding.   It was the last time I heard you sing.  In fact, that weekend was the last time that I saw you smile or heard you laugh.  I just wish that I had known that the smiles and laughter were hiding the pain that you felt inside.  I wish that I would have had a crystal ball and could have prevented losing you just three weeks later.

The night that you died was the hardest night of my life.  I will never forget mom calling me in the middle of the night.  I will never forget driving over the hill and seeing all of the flashing lights.  My heart literally broke into a million pieces and it will never be the same again.  I felt so much guilt.  We were so very close, yet you didn’t talk to me.  I had no idea that you were hurting.  I had no idea that your smart ass sense of humor was just there to hide the pain.  I wish that I would have known what the pain was before it became so bad that you felt that the only option was to take your own life.  I wish that I would have been able to protect you from yourself.  That is what haunts me the most. That is what keeps me up at night.  That is why I am afraid of the dark.

And just when I thought that none of us would ever recover from losing you, Jes came and told us that she was pregnant.  You were going to be a dad.  You would have been an amazing dad (after all you were the very best Uncle Favorite).  Wyatt was born and he was perfect.  We are all so very lucky that Jes chose to nurture a close bond with our family.  I am so very lucky that Wyatt and Dillon were able to spend the first few years of their lives together.  It felt like you were there too.

I feel you with me every day.  Sometimes it is the little things.  Like when Dillon gives me a smart ass grin that looks exactly like you.  Sometimes its the big things.  Like today when all kinds of memories came flooding back.  I would give anything for my phone to ring and to hear you say “Hey Ugly”.  I really really miss you.

I love you!

Arden

 

 

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My Heart is Heavy

Posted on November 18, 2015 by arden1719

I have tried really hard to stay away from expressing my feelings on what is happening as I try not to discuss politics or religion.  However, there is so much happening in the world right now that it has made my heart heavy.  I am struggling to wrap my head around why we think that allowing Syrian refugees into our country is a good idea.  Not to mention that most Americans are ignoring the fact that it is more than just Syria that is sending Muslim refugees to America.  The United Nations has sent more than 100,000 Muslim refugees to America from Somalia since the early 1990’s.  Many more have come from Afghanistan, Bosnia, Iraq, Iran, Uzbekistan, Burma and other Muslim countries.

As of November 13, there have been 289 known terrorist attacks in the world.  289…KNOWN.  What about the ones that haven’t been reported on a national level?  There have been more than 20 cases of terrorist plots against the U.S. by Muslim immigrants that have received little or no national media coverage.  Hundreds of Muslim immigrants have already been charged and convicted of providing material support to terrorist organizations or plotting to launch their own attacks here in the United States.

Are we just supposed to ignore all of this and open our doors to more terror?  Are we supposed to ignore the fact that a Muslim immigrant from Syria living in Ohio, who applied for and received US Citizenship was accused by federal prosecutors of planning to kill three or four American soldiers execution style at a military base in Texas?  What about the college student in Oregon, a Somalian refugee, who attempted to blow up a Christmas tree lighting ceremony?  Or the immigrant from Kuwait who carried out the jihadist attack that recently killed four marines and a sailor in Chattanooga, using an AK-47 against unarmed military men?

Are we supposed to welcome terrorists and give them jobs, benefits, healthcare and housing at the expense of our thousands of homeless veterans?  These veterans gave everything to protect our freedom and we don’t even have the decency to make sure that they have the same things that we are willing to just hand to foreign refugees.

My dad, a Vietnam Veteran, was in the VA hospital in Des Moines last summer recovering from a life threatening infection, when my mom noticed the amount of homeless veterans waiting for care.  She went and talked to a social worker to see what she could do to help and was told that they really need warm blankets that will stand up over time.  So she started making them quilts out of blue jeans and flannel.  She reached out to the VA coordinators in counties all across the state and has made it her mission to provide homeless, and needy, veterans with warm blankets.  In the last year she has made, and distributed, over a thousand quilts and has requests for more weekly.

Why can’t we all be more like my mom and help our own citizens before we open our doors to those who may harm us?  When are we going to start teaching our children that helping other Americans is more important than supporting a hidden agenda or political gain?

Why are we more worried about hurting the feelings of terrorists than remembering that those same people did to us on 9/11?  How do I explain that to my son?

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When It Rains, It Pours

Posted on March 27, 2015 by arden1719

I really thought that 2015 was going to be my healthy year.  I’m eating clean (most of the time), working out, drinking water like it’s my job and limiting my wine to one day per week.  I’m working hard to turn my body into a lean, mean, fighting machine.

Then it hits me…a headache.  Not just any headache, but a massive headache at the exact same time every single day.  It isn’t like any headache I’ve ever had.  It starts in the evening, as soon as I sit down to relax.  First comes the extreme pressure in my ears followed by a headache so bad that I feel sick to my stomach.  The only relief that I get is if I get up and move around.  It lasts until about 11:30 every night, and then it just disappears.

I finally decide to stop procrastinating and go to the doctor.  Well, it was time for my six month blood work so I couldn’t exactly put it off any longer.  During my visit, my PCP determines that my resting heart rate is higher than my active heart rate should be.  He decides that putting me on Metoprolol will help with both my heart rate and my headache….he was wrong.  But more on that in a minute.

Then come my labs.  The worst part about Electronic Medical Records is having access to test results prior to your doctor explaining them to you.  Even worse is when you work in the medical field and are able to look up everything pertaining to your lab results prior to your provider explaining them to you.  Suffice to say, my labs weren’t great.  This caused me to dig even further and compare my most recent labs to the ones I had prior to and immediately following my hysterectomy.  Which weren’t great either.  And as long as I was digging, I decided to read my pathology report from my hysterectomy, again not great.  In fact pretty bad.  I will spare the details of my pathology report.  But I will say that I can now add Cervical and Ovarian Cancer to my health history.

But I digress.  The reasons for venting today are my labs and my head.  So, back to my labs.  The most concerning part of my labs is that my liver enzymes are elevated.  My PCP decided that it was time that I see a Gastroenterologist for my liver and a Neurologist for my head.

First the visit with the gastro.  I went to see him yesterday.  We talked for a long time about my health history and how I was feeling currently.  He did an exam and then we talked some more.  I really felt comfortable with the fact that he didn’t rush anything.  He listened and asked great questions. Plus he had a sense of humor.  We joked about a sign in the exam room for hemorrhoid removal and decided that if assholes could be removed in the same way that the world would be a better place :).  After all of that he said that my liver enzymes weren’t that high for a “normal” person.  But that because of my history of cancer, I’m not normal.  He ordered more labs and an ultrasound of my liver.  Then he sent me on my merry way with my orders for my labs.

So, last night I am sitting here with my laptop and my orders for my labs…Did I mention that I bill insurance?  Did I mention that being armed with access to medical coding and the internet is a slippery slope that you don’t want to go on?  Did I take my own advice?  NOPE!  I went down that slope.  I know that tomorrow morning they will be drawing my blood and testing me for an Iron Deficiency, Hepatitis (he said that this is because I have a tattoo), Lupus, and Wilson Disease (Jon asked if Wilson Disease explains why I suck at basketball and volleyball.  Oh how I love that man ♥).

Once my blood is drawn, I wait for two long weeks for my ultrasound and my lab results.  Two weeks thanks to the hoops that doctors now have to jump through just to get my insurance company to authorize my ultrasound.  Two weeks of wondering and worrying.  Because even though I don’t want to worry, it is part of my DNA and I can’t stop.

In the meantime, my head still hurts every single day.  But that wait is even longer.  The Neurologist that my PCP wants me to see can’t see me until May.  And I don’t want to see that Neurologist.  I don’t want to trust my head to someone who has horrible reviews on Health Grades.  It’s my head.  I should be able to see someone who I feel comfortable with.  No, I will see someone who I feel comfortable with.  And I will see them before May.  I know how to get that referral changed.  (Again, do you know what my job is?)

But as all of this is going on, I keep thinking about how much I hate this.  I hate being sick.  I hate feeling like a burden to those I love.  I hate asking for help.  I hate all of the poking and prodding and testing.  IT ALL SUCKS!!! At what point am I allowed to say ENOUGH!  I what point can I stop being poked and prodded and tested and just live my life?  I don’t want to do it anymore.  I just want to be healthy.  I want to focus on Dillon’s graduation. Is that really too much to ask?

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The Only Person Who Can Make Me Happy is Me

Posted on January 28, 2015 by arden1719

I have spent the month of January reflecting and refocusing.

Reflecting:  I took some time to think about 2014 and the impact that it had on my life.  One thing stuck out and that was negativity.  I let the negative things; stress, not feeling well, my surgery, cancer, define me.  I spent way too much time focusing on feeling sorry for myself and not enough time doing something to make it better.  I spent too much time relying on others to make me happy.  I have spent too much time, years in fact, waking up every morning, looking in the mirror and not liking what I see.  I have spent too much time making excuses instead of taking action. Admitting all of this to myself hasn’t been easy.  But it was just what I needed to make changes.

Refocusing:  I have been working really hard the last few weeks to refocus and make the necessary changes to be happy.  The first step was admitting that no one else has the power to make me happy.  That has to come from within.  Next, I thought about what I needed to do to be happy with myself.  And finally, I have started implementing those things.

In order to be truly happy, I need to focus on my health.  I need to make sure that my body and mind are in fighting form.  For if my mind and body are in the best shape they can be, then cancer doesn’t stand a chance of returning for round three.  It took me a minute to wrap my head around this.  But once I did, I have been focused.

I started with my diet because that was the easiest to change.  I have been focusing on eating clean 90% of the time, drinking water like it’s my job, and limiting my wine to one (or two) night a week.  I have found that I feel better.  I am sleeping better.  And I wake up in the morning in a better mood.

I really focused on diet for two solid weeks and then I added in exercise.  I dug out my Turbo Jam DVDs and started following the calendar.  I have found myself looking forward to getting up early each morning for my “date with Chalene”.  It is like meeting with a long-lost friend.  I also dug out my Fit Bit and am letting the obsessive compulsive part of my personality focus on my steps.  I set attainable step goals for each day and am excited when I hit them.

But the best part of this journey came on Saturday when Jon and I were taking a cruise around our property on the side by side.  It was a beautiful almost 50 degree day.  The sun was shining.  I looked down the hill at our house and pond and thought “I love my life”.  That is when I knew that I had broken through the sadness of the past year and am on my way towards the happiness of 2015.  One day at a time…..

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Kicking Resolutions To The Curb

Posted on December 29, 2014 by arden1719

It’s that time of year again.  The time for all of us to make our New Year’s Resolutions. Many of us will resolve to lose weight, eat healthy, exercise, quit smoking, quit drinking alcohol, give up caffine…the list is never ending.  We resolve to do a crap load of things that we won’t follow through with in 2015.

Not me!  Not this year!

Keep your resolutions.   Enjoy your crowded gyms, salads, protein shakes, green smoothies, e-cigarettes and water.  I’m not saying that I will be sitting on my couch eating bonbons with a glass of wine (well at least not every day). What I am saying is that forcing yourself to do something that you don’t want to do never works.

This year I am going to focus my energy on the things that matter and stop giving a crap about the things that don’t.  So here are the things that I am kicking to the curb and not bringing with me into 2015:

  1. Forcing a Smile:  I am so tired of people telling me that I need to smile more.  That I am beautiful when I smile.  So what am I when I don’t smile?  Ugly?  I am perfectly happy and content not to smile.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t like something.  It doesn’t mean that I’m mad.  It just means that I don’t want to smile.  Trust me, when something happens that makes me want to smile, I will.  And not just with my mouth, but with my eyes.  Until that happens, I’m not smiling.  So quit trying to make me.
  2. Saying Yes Out of Guilt:  There are times that I don’t want to spend time with anyone.  There are other times when I want to spend time with one friend and not with another.  Up until now, I would feel guilty about telling someone no.  Or I would invite everyone so that I wouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings. Or not invite someone that I wanted to spend time with because it might make someone else mad.   In the end, it made me feel like crap because I was trying too hard to please everyone else.  Not anymore.  If I don’t invite you, it isn’t because I don’t like you.  It is because I want a quiet night in or one on one time with someone else.  Or if I invite all of you, it is because I want all of you here.  If you don’t like someone I invited to my house, tough.  I’m sure that you can suck it up and get over it.  Sometimes we have to be nice to people we don’t want to.  It’s called being an adult.
  3. Lying to Myself:  We have all done it.  Unfortunately I have done it more than most over the last year.  I have told myself that everything is fine, when it isn’t.  I’ve been really good at putting on a happy face and brave front just to make it through the day.  I’m not going to do that anymore.  I’m not going to pretend that everything is okay.  I am going to face each day for what it is and accept the fact that the decisions that I made that day were the very best decisions for myself and my family at that time.
  4. Drama:  I am so tired of people trying to suck me into their drama.  I have enough going on in my own life.  I don’t need to waste my time on people who simply talk out of both sides of their mouth.  If you are the person who is nice to me to my face and talks crap about me behind my back, don’t bother.  I don’t have time for you.  You can just remove yourself from my life and both of us will be a lot happier.
  5. People Who Use Me:  Let’s face it, we all use each other from time to time.  That is okay.  Usually it is a give and take that comes with relationships, personal and professional.  I’m talking about the toxic people who come into my life to suck me dry and then walk out, only to come back when they need something else.  Or a coworker who asks for help with something only to disappear when I ask them to do the same for me.  Sorry, that door is now closed.  I have enough self respect to only want to help others who are willing to do the same for me in return.
  6. Saving Relationships:  My time is valuable.  I work long hours and try to give as much of my free time as possible to my family.  Yet I have spent a great deal of time trying to nurture pseudo friendships.  These are the friendships that are completely one sided.  The friend who will make plans with me only to cancel when something better comes along.  The friend who only calls me when she thinks her world is falling apart and needs me to fix it.  The friend who asks me to watch her kids so that she can go someplace and post pictures on Facebook of her with her “besties”.  If I’m not important enough to you to keep the plans you made with me, don’t make them.  If you can’t call me back after I leave you a message needing you after a second cancer diagnosis, don’t bother calling me again. If I’m not good enough to be invited on a trip with your friends, or anywhere with you, don’t ask me to watch your kids.  I have enough people in my life who want to spend time with me.  Who are there when I need them.  Those are the relationships that I want to spend my time on.  Those are the relationships that I want to save.
  7. Quitting Vices:  Why are New Year’s Resolutions always about ending bad habits?  Personally, I enjoy my vices and don’t want to give them up.  I enjoy a good glass of wine or trying different beers.  I love pasta.  I want to sleep with my window wide open in the winter and no blankets.  Are any of these hurting anyone?  No.  At the end of the day, my bad habits help shape me just as much as my good ones.  I believe in everything in moderation.  That is how I choose to live my life.
  8. Cancer:  Cancer consumed way too much of my life in 2014.  Not only did it effect me, but it also effected too many members of my friends and family.  I will not let cancer win.  I am leaving cancer’s power over me in the past and not bringing it into the New Year.

2015 is all about leaving the negativity in the past and focusing on the things that make me happy.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

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Bah Humbug

Posted on December 8, 2014 by arden1719

I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year, though I am trying very hard not to show that to others.  I have done all of the normal things, yet they don’t seem normal.  It feels like someone else is doing them for me.

Yes, I spent a day putting up the tree and decorating the mantel.  Yes, I lost myself in that day.  Yes, I felt normal while I was doing those things.  Then it all of my Christmas spirit seemed to vanish.  I’m trying hard to get it back, but I’m not quite sure where it went.

Normally I love Christmas shopping.  I love the crowds, the hustle and bustle of the holiday spirit.  Saturday I went Christmas shopping.  I wandered around Kohl’s picking things up and putting them back.  Nothing seemed to spark my interest.  Finally I found a few things for Jon and Dillon and headed for the checkout line. I was standing there waiting when I suddenly started sweating and felt sick.  I didn’t want to be there.  I paid for my items and couldn’t get out of the store fast enough.  Next I tried Target.  I went into the store with a set list in mind.  Yet, I didn’t want to even touch any of it.  I put a few things in my cart and was looking at something else when I had a minor panic attack.  I couldn’t be in the store anymore.  I abandoned my cart and left the store.  Jon asked me why I was done so fast.  I told him that I didn’t feel like standing in line.  Those who know me know that neither of these things are like me.  I LOVE shopping.  Just not right now.  Instead, I came home and did most of my shopping online.

Today, I decided to work on our Christmas cards.  I opened my spreadsheet with my names and addresses (yes, I really do keep everything on a spreadsheet of some sort).  I sat at the kitchen table with the cards, envelopes, and pen.  I snapped at Jon because he wasn’t getting me the Christmas labels according to my schedule.  Seriously, who does that?  That’s when I realized that my heart just wasn’t in it.  Yet, I forced myself to continue.  I put the cards in the envelopes, sealed them and set them aside to mail.  I was 90% done when I noticed that my name was spelled wrong.  Normally this would freak me out and have me ordering new cards.  Today, I didn’t even care.  I’m sending them anyway.

Where is my Christmas spirit?  Is this one more thing that cancer has stolen from me?  I don’t want it to be.  I don’t want to let cancer win.  I just don’t know how to get myself completely out of the funk that a second cancer diagnosis put me in. I don’t feel well.  Yet, I’m not entirely sure what doesn’t feel well.  I’m sure not sleeping has something to do with it.  I am working on feeling better. I am trying to sleep.  I am trying to focus on the positive.  But I am human and it doesn’t always work out that way.

There is some light at the end of this long tunnel.  We are planning family gatherings at our house with my family and Jon’s family.  I’m hoping that surrounding myself with family and friends helps me find my Christmas spirit.  I enjoy being busy cooking and taking care of people.  In fact, I do much better when I am taking care of others.  I just don’t do so well when it comes to taking care of myself.  But I am trying….One Day At A Time.

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The Great Thanksgiving Road Trip 2014

Posted on December 1, 2014 by arden1719

Every year my brother and I take our boys and go to North Dakota for Thanksgiving and grandma’s birthday.  This year, the trip started on Monday, November 24th and ended on Friday, November 28th.  Here are some things that I will always cherish:

Priceless time with my son:  The day before and the day after the trip to North Dakota are spent with Dillon and I making the 3 1/2 hour drive to my parent’s house.  We take our time (it usually ends up being about 5 hours) and spend time together.  It is so great to have that uninterrupted one on one time with my kid.  It gives us a chance to really talk.  But more importantly, it gives us a chance to sing along to the radio at the top of our lungs :).

Bonding with my brother and my nephews:  This year the trip was quite interesting.  None of the boys agreed that I deserved Princess Treatment just because I was the only girl.  How dare they!  But seriously, we had some great laughs.  We sang along to 80’s hair bands, remind me to never play music trivia with Rhett.  He is that good.  We told really bad jokes.  What do you call a cow with no legs?  Ground Beef.  We decided that Dillon really needed a Chevy Luv.  I wonder if we could even find one??? We had a riveting conversation about the placement of rock piles in fields.  Did you know that rock piles are formed around rocks that are too big to move?  We threatened to trade Dillon for two horses.  He thought we would have better luck trading him for an ass.  We told the boys stories about how we really were in high school.  I’m not so sure that it was such a good idea.  Especially since Dillon is a senior and the twins are juniors.  The hardest part was when we realized that our kids may soon be too old to want to take this trip with us.  That was hard.  I look forward to this week every year.  I love having quality time with my brother and my nephews.  Dillon loves having the time with his uncle Bill and his cousins.

Family Tattoos:  I had sent Sherri a text a couple of months ago telling her that I really wanted to get a tattoo while I was there.  I knew that she was the one person who wouldn’t let me chicken out.  She took the ideas that I had sent her and had the artist design something (that she didn’t let me see ahead of time).  She made the appointments.  She paid the deposit.  There was no going back.  I was nervous and excited all at the same time.  We got to the tattoo parlor and I saw the design.  It was beautiful and so much bigger than what I had wanted.  I was scared.  They made me go first.  I held my arm out for Savannah to put the design on my wrist and when I saw how big it was on my wrist, I was terrified.  I sat in the chair, turned my head so that I couldn’t see and made Dillon hold my hand.  Savannah was amazing.  The entire process took under 30 minutes and the only part that hurt was right at the top of my wrist.  Sherri went next and agreed with me.  Savannah kept us calm and relaxed.  Dillon went last and almost fell asleep in the chair while she was tattooing his chest.  And to top it all off, Savannah is auditioning for the next season of Ink Masters.

Family:  I love going home and spending time with my family.  Thanksgiving is at Auntie Anne’s and Uncle Jerry’s house.  The house is full of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and most importantly grandma.  This year we were fortunate enough to celebrate grandma’s 93rd birthday on Thanksgiving.  I love sitting by her and listening to her tell stories about when my dad was little or about when I was little.  I have been writing her stories down for the last several years and would love to write a book from her memories.  I have always been extremely close to my grandma.  I spent summers with her growing up.  She taught me so many things, but most of all she taught me the importance of family.  My family is loud, kind of crazy, at times dysfunctional..but most of all they are mine.  I love that I have cousins who are like my sisters.  I love that Crystal, Phil and Dillon decided years ago that because they are all only children that they would be each others brothers and sister.  I love our tradition of Black Friday shopping, not because we want to shop, but because the contest of who is getting to the store first for the best parking spot is super fun.  I love sitting around the table playing pinochle and trash talking.  I love that my son gets to be a part of the traditions that I grew up with.

Home:  North Dakota will always be home.  I have to get my “fix” at least once a year.  All I have to do is see the “Welcome to North Dakota” sign, and I feel a little more at peace.  However, it is harder only going to Bismarck and not going all the way to the badlands.  I miss that fix.  I miss their raw beauty.  I also have a hard time being in North Dakota and not going out to Oakdale to sit and talk to Curt.  We had planned on taking grandma back to Dickinson on Friday and going out to Oakdale to see Curt and decorate his and grandpa’s graves for Christmas.  However, Mother Nature had other ideas and we ended up heading home a day early to try to stay one step ahead of the storms.

The Trip Home:  This is the hardest part for me.  I am sad for the first couple of hours, even though I know that I can go back at any time.  I think that the boys are a little bit sad also.  They are always more subdued on the ride home.

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Inspiration

Posted on November 14, 2014 by arden1719

I recently did an exercise on Facebook where I posted three pictures everyday for seven days that inspire me without posting any words.  As I carefully selected each picture, it occurred to me that I was going back to my family and my favorite places time and time again.

There are so many ways that my family inspires me:

My Grandma:  I have always been grandma’s girl.  That bond was formed when I was born and has remained strong ever since.  Growing up, I spent almost every summer with my grandparents.  It was there that my grandma taught me the values of family, hard work, determination and stubbornness.  My grandma has never been the warm and fuzzy type.  Hugs did not come easy, nor were they free.  However, I have never doubted her love for me.  I am so very lucky that I still have her here with me.  I am even luckier that I will be able to see her in two weeks.

My Parents:  My parents really struggled financially when I was younger.  However, they never let us kids know it.  Instead we knew love.  In addition, we learned that in order to get something in life, you had to work for it.  My dad has one of the strongest work ethics of anyone I have ever known.  He has always done everything he can to provide for his family and to be our pillar of strength.  He passed those same virtues down to me and for that he is a true inspiration.  My mom is a survivor.  She fought breast cancer and won.  She survived a rough childhood.  She raised us kids to be kind, loving people.  She inspires me to put my family first.

My Brothers:  Curt wasn’t with us near long enough.  During the time he was here, he taught me unconditional love and instilled a fierce protectiveness in me.  He inspired me to be the best person that I can be.  Bill and I have had our differences.  A lot of that came from being so close together in age.  Now Bill is one of my best friends.  He is an amazing husband and father.  He is a business owner.  He is one of the rocks that holds our family together.  And he inspires me to do the same.

Dillon:  I never knew love until I became Dillon’s mom.  He is an amazing young man with a wonderful heart.  He sees the good in people, even when it is hard to see.  Dillon’s smile has a way of melting my heart.  He inspires me to be the very best person that I can be each and every day.  He inspires me to fight when I don’t feel like fighting.  He inspires me to live.

Jon:  Jon is my partner in life and my very best friend.  He is a wonderful man who works hard to provide for his family.  He puts up with a lot from me and does it without getting angry.  He treats Dillon as though he were his own.  Jon is my rock that holds me together when no one else can.  He inspires me to laugh when I don’t feel like laughing.  Dillon and I are very lucky to have him in our lives.

Cheryl:  Cheryl is a true inspiration in and of herself.  She fought breast cancer and kicked it’s ass.  She is a true warrior.  And I am so very lucky to have her as my friend.  In fact, I’m so very lucky that her entire family has welcomed me into their lives with open arms.  They have all become my second family.  It may sound strange to some, but I am thankful for breast cancer.  For without it, Cheryl and I would not be friends.

The other pictures are places that inspire me:

Door County:  This is one of my very favorite places on earth.  Jon took me on a surprise trip to Door County, WI and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan after I finished radiation.  I completely fell in love with Door County.  I love how every time I go, I find new beauty.  I love that I can have my toes in the water one minute and be in the timber the next.  I love how completely relaxed I am when I am there.

North Dakota:  This is home.  This is where I go to find peace.  I can be sad, lonely or afraid and all I have to do is go home and I am happy.  I need to get a good dose of home at least once a year.  My dose is only two weeks away 🙂

My Pond:  Jon has always wanted to live in the country.  We have spent many hours driving around looking at houses and dreaming about where we would ultimately live.  I always said that I wanted to live near water.  He always wanted to live near timber.  Now we have the best of both worlds.  Our little piece of heaven is a house in the valley, surrounded by trees and with a pond right outside our door.  Nature’s beauty outside my door is a true inspiration.

All of these people and places are true reminders that I have a lot to fight for.  All of these are reasons to get up every day and choose me.  For in looking to them for inspiration, and choosing me, I am ultimately choosing them.

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