I’ve debated on starting a blog for quite some time.  Tonight I decided it was time…

In life we are faced with choices.  Some are obvious, some are wrong, some are right, and others are right for right now.  I went into my hysterectomy knowing that there was a 99% chance that I had early stage cancer in my Fallopian Tubes.  I made the choice that I would deal with that.  When I was told that my pathology report showed cancer in my Fallopian Tubes, I was okay with that.  It was what I expected.  However, when I was told that the cyst on my right ovary tested positive for the same rare cancer that I had had in my breast, I was devastated.  Whether it was conscious or unconscious, I made the choice to spend the last 6 weeks wallowing in my own self pity.

I have sat here for the last 6 weeks pretending like everything is okay.  I get up every morning and go about my day.  I work, I spend time with my family and friends, I smile and I laugh. I tell everyone that I am great.  And all of the time I am crying on the inside.  I lay awake at night asking why me??  Why am I once again staring in the face of this evil bitch, cancer?  Why do I have to continue to worry about what to tell my son?  Is this going to be the pattern of my life?  Where will it strike next?  It doesn’t matter that my doctors have told me that they got clear margins.  It doesn’t matter that this cancer doesn’t respond to chemo so clear margins mean no chemo or radiation, only close monitoring for the next 5 years.  It doesn’t matter that people tell me that I should be happy that they got it all…none of it matters.  All that matters is that once again, I have cancer.  If I wouldn’t have been proactive about my body and found a doctor who listened enough to do the surgery, I would have died. I think about the fact that the cyst was so big that it had twisted my ovary and had it burst the cancer would have been in my blood stream and all of my choices would have been taken from me. I think about the ovary that they left so that I would have hormones and what am I going to do when they find a cyst on that ovary. That is what I think about at night as I cry myself to sleep.  And that is why I made the choice to spend the last 6 weeks grieving.

Today, I am making the choice to put on my big girl panties and LIVE!  I have an amazing son who needs me.  I am lucky enough to spend everyday with my best friend.  I have beauty right outside my front door.  I have friends and family who love and support me.  I have every reason to LIVE!  It won’t be easy.  Every day will present itself with a new challenge.  But with each challenge comes a choice and I will choose life.  And by choosing life, I will choose me.