Who knew that choosing me would be so hard?  Just because I said it out loud doesn’t make it so.  My struggle with my internal pity party continues.  I am still crying myself to sleep at night.  I still feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

A little background:

I attacked breast cancer and radiation with all of the fight that I had.  I followed my doctor’s orders to a T.  I ate clean, I exercised, I took care of myself.  I wanted to beat cancer and be there for Dillon and Jon.  Fast forward two years.  I became complacent.  I no longer paid attention to what I ate.  I no longer worked out every day.  I felt better and I pretty much did what I wanted.  I had a clear mammogram and was put on the “one year plan” and I was on top of the world.  Then I started to notice little things:  my face was swollen and puffy, I was retaining water in my hands and feet, I had severe cramps with my period and I just didn’t feel good.  So I procrastinated for several months (because that’s what I do) until finally I called my OB/GYN.  He did a uterine biopsy and that was normal.  But I didn’t feel right.  I knew something was wrong. I kept thinking about my oncologist telling me that it wasn’t a matter of if the cancer would return.  By when and where.  So he ordered an ultrasound.  That is when they found the cyst the size of a baseball on my right ovary and fibroids.  He wanted to monitor it.  I thought he was crazy.  I lost the first battle and we monitored it.  All the while I watched my stomach grow, sometimes daily.  I looked pregnant.  In fact, I was carrying around my cyst baby.  That’s when I got a second opinion.  Sitting in the exam room and hearing my doctor say that she was 99% sure that I had early stage cancer of my Fallopian Tubes was probably one of the hardest days of my life.  I cried.  She cried. And we decided that a complete hysterectomy was the best option.  And that is what we did.

I don’t regret my decision to have a hysterectomy.  I don’t mourn the loss of my reproductive organs.  My philosophy was that if it has the potential to kill me, take it out.  But yet here I sit sad, angry, hurt….thinking why me? Where is it going to strike next time?  How do I stop my private pity party?  How do I choose me?

The answer:  One Day At a Time.

It won’t be easy.  Some days will be harder than others.  But I’m a fighter.  I can do this.  I can take back my health.  I can fight every battle put in front of me so that I will ultimately win the war.  Because anything else just isn’t an option.