I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year, though I am trying very hard not to show that to others.  I have done all of the normal things, yet they don’t seem normal.  It feels like someone else is doing them for me.

Yes, I spent a day putting up the tree and decorating the mantel.  Yes, I lost myself in that day.  Yes, I felt normal while I was doing those things.  Then it all of my Christmas spirit seemed to vanish.  I’m trying hard to get it back, but I’m not quite sure where it went.

Normally I love Christmas shopping.  I love the crowds, the hustle and bustle of the holiday spirit.  Saturday I went Christmas shopping.  I wandered around Kohl’s picking things up and putting them back.  Nothing seemed to spark my interest.  Finally I found a few things for Jon and Dillon and headed for the checkout line. I was standing there waiting when I suddenly started sweating and felt sick.  I didn’t want to be there.  I paid for my items and couldn’t get out of the store fast enough.  Next I tried Target.  I went into the store with a set list in mind.  Yet, I didn’t want to even touch any of it.  I put a few things in my cart and was looking at something else when I had a minor panic attack.  I couldn’t be in the store anymore.  I abandoned my cart and left the store.  Jon asked me why I was done so fast.  I told him that I didn’t feel like standing in line.  Those who know me know that neither of these things are like me.  I LOVE shopping.  Just not right now.  Instead, I came home and did most of my shopping online.

Today, I decided to work on our Christmas cards.  I opened my spreadsheet with my names and addresses (yes, I really do keep everything on a spreadsheet of some sort).  I sat at the kitchen table with the cards, envelopes, and pen.  I snapped at Jon because he wasn’t getting me the Christmas labels according to my schedule.  Seriously, who does that?  That’s when I realized that my heart just wasn’t in it.  Yet, I forced myself to continue.  I put the cards in the envelopes, sealed them and set them aside to mail.  I was 90% done when I noticed that my name was spelled wrong.  Normally this would freak me out and have me ordering new cards.  Today, I didn’t even care.  I’m sending them anyway.

Where is my Christmas spirit?  Is this one more thing that cancer has stolen from me?  I don’t want it to be.  I don’t want to let cancer win.  I just don’t know how to get myself completely out of the funk that a second cancer diagnosis put me in. I don’t feel well.  Yet, I’m not entirely sure what doesn’t feel well.  I’m sure not sleeping has something to do with it.  I am working on feeling better. I am trying to sleep.  I am trying to focus on the positive.  But I am human and it doesn’t always work out that way.

There is some light at the end of this long tunnel.  We are planning family gatherings at our house with my family and Jon’s family.  I’m hoping that surrounding myself with family and friends helps me find my Christmas spirit.  I enjoy being busy cooking and taking care of people.  In fact, I do much better when I am taking care of others.  I just don’t do so well when it comes to taking care of myself.  But I am trying….One Day At A Time.