Dear Curt,

Today is your birthday.  I am sitting here really struggling with how very much my heart hurts because you aren’t here.  I miss you so much.

I remember the day that mom and dad brought you home from the hospital.  From day one you were my baby and I wanted nothing more than to love and protect you.  Who would have known that years later I wouldn’t be able to protect you from yourself?

I remember your first serious injury.  Bill and I were jumping on the bed and you were riding on the old bouncy horse.  You loved to rock and bounce that horse clear across the floor.  That night you fell off and hit your head just right on the old iron bed.  Blood was gushing from your ear as you left in the ambulance with mom.  I was so upset that I wasn’t able to protect you.  I was so scared that you weren’t coming home.  And you almost didn’t.  I was so relieved and thankful when you came home.  I vowed to always take care of you.

I remember that you were so afraid of storms.  As soon as you could walk, you would come and crawl in bed with me.  I would rub your back and sooth you until you fell asleep.  As you got older, you would still come in when it stormed, but you would say that it was because I was afraid :).  I was just happy that you would still let me protect you.

I remember when we moved to Dunn Center.  Bill and I were busy making friends at school but you were busy making friends with the entire town.  Mom would laugh when one of the retired couples would call and say that you wouldn’t be home for supper because you were at their house playing cards.  Everyone loved you!  And you loved everyone!  I am so thankful that Dillon has that part of you.  Your nephew is like you in so many ways.

When I went away to college, it was hard.  I missed you so much.  But it wasn’t cool to tell you that.  I was so happy when you wanted to come to UNI for the weekend.  It was great to spend that time with you and have you experience a small part of my new life. But it was hard being that far away.

I was happy when I transferred to Iowa.  I was closer to home and able to watch you grow.  I loved watching the little boy grow into a wonderful young man.  I also loved our competitions.  I swear that you ran track because you wanted to be better than me.  And you were.  I’m just sorry that I never told you that.  So I’m telling you now.  You were better than me!!

As we got older, our relationship changed.  I became less of the protector and more of the instigator.  It became my duty, as your big sister, to get you into trouble.  I remember sneaking you into the Red Stallion on Bill’s wedding night.  You were 16 and loved every minute of it.  I remember letting you have a party at the apartment when I lived with Lori.  You were drinking, smoking and playing cards.  One of my favorite pictures of us is from that night.  I was sitting on the chair and you and Bird were sitting on my lap.  That picture always makes me smile.

I remember your high school graduation.  I was so proud of you.  You were taking the next step into becoming a man and it was amazing.

I love the fact that you sang at my wedding.   It was the last time I heard you sing.  In fact, that weekend was the last time that I saw you smile or heard you laugh.  I just wish that I had known that the smiles and laughter were hiding the pain that you felt inside.  I wish that I would have had a crystal ball and could have prevented losing you just three weeks later.

The night that you died was the hardest night of my life.  I will never forget mom calling me in the middle of the night.  I will never forget driving over the hill and seeing all of the flashing lights.  My heart literally broke into a million pieces and it will never be the same again.  I felt so much guilt.  We were so very close, yet you didn’t talk to me.  I had no idea that you were hurting.  I had no idea that your smart ass sense of humor was just there to hide the pain.  I wish that I would have known what the pain was before it became so bad that you felt that the only option was to take your own life.  I wish that I would have been able to protect you from yourself.  That is what haunts me the most. That is what keeps me up at night.  That is why I am afraid of the dark.

And just when I thought that none of us would ever recover from losing you, Jes came and told us that she was pregnant.  You were going to be a dad.  You would have been an amazing dad (after all you were the very best Uncle Favorite).  Wyatt was born and he was perfect.  We are all so very lucky that Jes chose to nurture a close bond with our family.  I am so very lucky that Wyatt and Dillon were able to spend the first few years of their lives together.  It felt like you were there too.

I feel you with me every day.  Sometimes it is the little things.  Like when Dillon gives me a smart ass grin that looks exactly like you.  Sometimes its the big things.  Like today when all kinds of memories came flooding back.  I would give anything for my phone to ring and to hear you say “Hey Ugly”.  I really really miss you.

I love you!

Arden